Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had
*Source: Statistic Brain
Marriage is not only a legal act that unites two people together; marriage is the celebration of a love story. With marriage, two people bring together their souls, their lives, and they also unite two families eternally.
Yet, today, more than ever couples deal with shattered vows, broken hearts, broken marriages and many times the main denominator happens to be, infidelity.
Infidelity, this powerful act of unfaithfulness, of immorality, is considered to be one of the greatest sins by almost all beliefs and religions.
Just like the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, understanding how infidelity may have a positive outcome starts by understanding the concept itself.
Thus, why do people commit adultery?
The reasons for infidelity are usually separated from men to women.
Top reasons why men commit adultery:
1.They do not have a fulfilling sexual life.
Clearly, in the first months or even years of a relationship, the passion reaches its limit, hands are hard to be kept off each other and the attention is all about the other person but with time, this passion could easily fade if not properly nourished.
2.They seek variety.
As sad is this might seem, many men simply have a pathological behaviour, no matter how beautiful, lovely or caring their wife can be, they love testing elsewhere. This doesn’t mean they are not happy, in the opposite; they may be happily married but still be unfaithful.
3.Looking for Power.
Lack of daily decision-making opportunities, makes this category of unfaithful men enjoy the power of the forbidden.
The power of committing the unpermitted makes them feel, at least once in their lifetime, above everyone else.
Top reasons why women commit adultery:
1.They feel ignored and not appreciated.
Being said that women are very affectionate human beings, they love to feel special, flattered or simply beautiful. What happens is that, often, couples tend to fall into a comfortable place and take the other person for granted, forgetting therefore some of the reasons that made their partner fall in love with them in the first place, such as giving attention, care and special moments.
2.They feel bored, lonely.
Whether it is a lot of time spent apart due to work circumstances, or a repetitive life routine, boringness and loneliness in the life of a couple can make a woman more vulnerable when it comes to accepting new things in her life, such as a new feeling, a new person or a new adventure.
3.They are too independent.
Sometimes a very strong independence can tear the couple apart. Sometimes life in a couple is about mutual helping, mutual advising, mutual collaboration on achieving lifetime goals but if you find yourself being able to do everything alone and refusing to change that, it is as suddenly the purpose of your relationship’s life resumes on nothing meaningful on long term basis.
THE REAL REASONS BEHIND INFIDELITY
The subject is more complex than just a few reasons from each point of view. One thing remains certain, there’s either something wrong in the relationship or there is something very wrong with the individual himself that causes infidelity.
“I love myself when I am around you” is the new “I love you” of our generation, when in reality, the real one should be “I love myself”.That being said, love starts inside of us, in the respect and the care we give to ourselves, so it can be able to reach out to someone else.
If the adventure, the lust, the passion, the caring, the new beginning is worth breaking our vows, does it mean that our marriage is a loveless place to be or simply we stopped loving ourselves in this relationship? Often marriage seems to be limited inside three single components:
If this is what you are setting yourself up when saying those vows, you are setting yourself up for disaster. It is unquestionable that these three components may fade with time, but the component number one that our selfishness doesn’t let us see is procreation. Initially, men and women were brought together mainly to create life and infidelity already existed. However, today marital affairs are notably multiplying because feelings and emotions are getting more value than family is.
Is infidelity a life crisis, a deep moment of questioning? Is the individual re-evaluating his beliefs and values?
According to the therapist, author and speaker Esther Perel, even deeply monogamous believers commit adultery and this simply because “…they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behaviour…” In other words, there’s something about them simply not corresponding to what they have, how they are and what they wish for.
They know that the pain they might cause is something they didn’t hope for, they know it is not part of their values, yet they love themselves more when involved in this adventure. Is it because of the lust that surrounds a relationship in its beginning, is it because of the vitality and the dynamics that surround the person himself? Is it because we miss a part of us that we simply lost on our way here?
Studies show that only 10% of people that leave their marriages for an affair, end up with the affair partner, a very low percentage for it to be love. Therefore, it is right to say that there’s a lost side of us that seeks to be found in the arms of a stranger that very possibly means nothing at all to us. We, in the way of life, have become someone that doesn’t satisfy our original expectations when it all started. Is it fair to seek change now? Yes, since it is never too late to become the person we want, though completely resetting our lives is not always the right thing to do.
Despite the causes behind it, an eighty-year-old man, with a fifty-year marriage on his shoulders, would tell me that marriage is an unforeseeable stage of life that will have to continue for me to discover.
Will it really continue?
In the aftermath of a betrayal, there are often hidden tears of a smashed reality, a questionable everything, a loss of orientation and a deep state of denial. Let that be the victim or the victimizer, an affair has its roots planted in deep sorrow.
Often because of values, of principles or pride many couples refuse to consider the possibility of proceeding into healing their marriage, purifying and re-attaching the broken pieces.
Just as Dr. Glass, psychologist and author of “Not Just Friends” would say “when someone decides to leave a marriage, it should not be for an affair”.
How can we undo the desperation of quitting it all together?
According to Statistic Brain, 31% of marriages survive after an affair, which is quite impressing considering the impact that it has in the life of a couple. When the couple decides to stay husband and wife, there’s a new process of re-integration that starts in their life. Often the betrayed part seeks to know all the details of the betrayal in order for them to be on the transparent side again; unfortunately, it often may worsen their conditions. Regardless of how the pair decides to address it, the unfaithful partner is expected to be fully aware of the damaged that was caused.
They should be:
Knowing the pain that they have caused, they should remain comprehensive whatever the reaction of their partner.
2.Willing to pursue the marriage
If the affair hasn’t ended before the decision of keeping the marriage together, experts suggest that it is a waste of energy and time to work into it.
3.Working on their boundaries.
Studies show that not everyone is a repeat offender when it comes to affairs, however it is easier to do it again when you know you have already gotten away with it. Defining real boundaries is primal in order to be free from vulnerability.
And on the other side, specialists, also, agree that the betrayed partner instead of focusing on blaming their spouse or continually punishing them, they should focus on understanding the state in which their spouse was while in the affair. It is with deep commitment, the commitment they swore in their day of marriage that they should leave all anger aside and focus on discovered the damage that was done.
What is it that their couple needs in order for them to be able to offer their partner a bigger self-satisfaction, a better environment, and a rebirth of their connection.
An additional thing, that young couples often overlook, is the changes that their life should have following marriage. I wouldn’t want to sound harsh, but there is a specific way of behavior that married people should respect, which is setting their limits, avoiding vulnerability and putting their spouses first. Whether it is important for you or not, marriage is a lot about double thinking.
And I highly believe that a couple truly overcomes the devastation of an affair, when something of great emotion follows, it can be a negative or a positive event, it can be death, birth, anything that shifts their emotions. If they are able to bond and get through it together again, it is appropriate to say that they have finally turned the page.
Society today is making it difficult for marriages to happen, exist and survive. Marriage used to be the beginning of the sexual life, a deep commitment that focuses on building strong walls that serve as protection for the purity of the family. Today, marriage is treated as a castle to protect because the competition is so high, patience is so low and sex is so free.
Infidelity is the disease of the modern times and brings shadows to the true values of this union hence, the values of a society because marriage creates the family and the family is the core of the entire society.
One should keep in mind that, sometimes, marriage is about sleeping in the same bed with the enemy but most of all it is about falling in love again and again, with the same person.
Don’t forget, sharing is sexy!